Dr Creflo A Dollar gives me two reasons why I should never have (re)started blogging

My brother and I were sipping on some green in our cold ass living room, flipping through the few channels we had (let me tell you now, not having cable at 3AM on a Wednesday night is probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to go through in your life. There's nothing but informercials on, promising you success and money and weight loss; you look at yourself and realize that you ARE now a part of their fat, poor, and unsuccessful target audience. Fuck you, TV). He stops on an evangelist broadcast, and puts down the remote.

"Yo, actually, this guy is pretty good. Like he says some really sick shit sometimes."

I squirmed a bit, but shrugged. It's not that I'm against God in any shape or form, but I mean... God preached kindness and humility. MAN preaches ignorance and hypocricy. Over time I've developed a problem with churches, and religion is just the umbrella it crouches snugly under.

Either way, I stared calmly at the screen while this guy -- his name is Creflo Dollar (hee hee, "Dollar") -- listed the ways to free yourself from hurt. It was in the middle of the program, but I paused because it kind of hit me in the gut, you know? If you replaced the 'religious' words with a simple "good" and "evil," it was like he was giving genuine advice on life. It caught me by surprise because the conversation I had with my friend earlier that night almost reflected what he was preaching; my dude is pretty much against religion as a whole but still lives by a personal code of morality. After speaking with him, I stopped hurting, and felt better (hence, the previous post).

Listening to Dr Dollar (hee hee) did, oddly enough, make me feel incredibly pensive about blogging again. Here's why. He said:

1) Don't ever wear your heart on your sleeve.
He said, wearing your heart on your sleeve allows [evil] to keep hurting you in the same spot over and over and over again. Like Rocky, how he kept hitting that slab of meat repeatedly in the same spot; when he was fighting what's-his-face, what he do. He way he kept jabbing him, over and over. That's how he won. The devil doesn't come up and look for new places to hurt you at, he'll just keep poking at your weakest point. You lay it out for him.

Now, as much as I like to pretend that I'm an emotionless shell of a being, I cannot deny that I do wear everything I feel like a bleeding rag around my wrist. And this blog -- this will be doing nothing but letting it dry and stain all over your good furniture. I stopped my insanely personal ramblings over @ js.net because that is exactly what happened -- people, strangers, knew my weaknesses all too well, and yes, it was used against me at times. So why did I feel such a need to start doing it all over again? Is this a good idea?

He said, if you keep letting [evil] know that it hurts you, it will continue hurting you for the rest of your life. The same thing that hurt you when you were 15 will hurt you when you are 45, it will keep coming back and you will never be able to shake it. What you gotta do is laugh when you are hurt, so that you can fuck with [evil]'s mind right back. It will be forced to look for a new spot to get you at. It's really hard, but once you do it, you find a strength in yourself that never existed before. (This was also interesting, because the aforementioned homie does just that -- laugh when he should be hurt. And he's the most hurt-free person I know.)

Even if I did laugh in person, wouldn't laying out my softest points -- face up -- ruin the purpose of protection? Does that mean I should stop?

2) Let go of your past.
That sounds easy, but whatever. Your past is exactly that, your PAST. Keep revisiting it, keep doing shit to "prevent" it, keep HOLDING ON to it and it will just REPEAT.

Aside from the obvious reference I can make to my life -- relationships, etc -- am I not also doing that with this blog? Am I not constantly revisiting my past by crystallizing it into such a permanent structure?

Or, am I just telling a story? Is it not a statement of triumph, in a sense? What happened happened, and after you're done telling your story -- it is just that, a story, and nothing more. On top of that, it's an honest reminder to myself that I've moved past whatever struggle I was experiencing.

Principles are lined up, things prioritized
See mamma I left that alone, faded memories, the reason that I'm grown
It'd be senseless for us to lie about our old experiences,
no longer are we tempted
-Nas

I think Jesus just told me to quit blogging again. Grin

I guess I should just learn how to do it differently. I never before minded exposing my deepest and darkest in order for others to be able to relate with clarity. I tell myself that I've resumed blogging for my sanity -- I do need to be able to shuffle my overanalytical mind into something linear -- but in the end, will it really do anything to help me?

Who knows?

Actually... who cares?

Thanks for the advice, I'll take it to heart.

Happy Anniversary, wife! Here's to 3 years of semi-marital bliss. Love you, and sorry I don't cook.

Love,
The Dynasty

I was watching Scrubs last night, and I got to pondering...

Now before you laugh, I have limited tv. So fuck you.
End of disclaimer.

I was watching Scrubs last night. Carla, who is in a relationship with Turk, leans forward to Elliot -- a cute blonde girl with mad issues, one of them being trust -- and says (roughly paraphrasing):

"Honey.. It's all about hiding your crazy, and faking your confidence."

She said this in response to Elliot's conflicting (and charmingly neurotic... I say "charmingly" because I see myself in her LOL) emotions on how to approach this guy that she really likes. She basically said that the best way to snag/keep a guy is to hide your crazy from them. Everyone is crazy on the inside, but nobody needs to see your neuroses.

Is this true? Do you agree?

I mean, isn't that the You that everyone else sees? What would make your significant other special, if they don't get to see the complete, honest you?

There are certain things that only come out to people you totally trust. A person who is thoroughly aware of what her insanities and insecurities are will naturally be afraid to show them. History has proven that once all that mess gets let out of the bag, the other person will leave -- which, unforunately, will do nothing but restart the cycle.

All that "real you" stuff leaks out whether you want it to or not, once the walls start to slide down. So... would we have to prop that wall up with all our strength for the rest of our lives?

Are we to keep that "crazy" part a secret from the people we love forever?
If that's the case... should we even bother loving at all?

Carla gave an example of one of her Crazies that she hides from Turk. Sometimes, she cries when she starts thinking that there is no cat heaven. That to me is a completely different kind of crazy than Elliot, who is a general mess of a human. Carla's wierd ass reason for collapsing into tears does not define her as a person as much as, say, Elliot's issues with intimacy and herself.

If it's something that really shapes the actions in your past, present and future... shouldn't your lover, significant other, etc be made aware of them when the walls come down? So that they could understand, rather than retreat?

Will it always be seen as a change in person, rather than the not-so-simple exposing to the other side of the coin as it is? I mean, the things he liked about you from the start isn't necessarily gone. It's not a lie. It's just different. But it's always seen that way.

At the end of the episode, Elliot stomps up to her crush, kisses him, and pretty much demands that he asks her out. He does. He also makes a complete fool out of himself, proving to be just as much of a klutz as she is. Elliot's fears dissipate. Of course, this is TV. And of course, things will always fall into place. But a viewer really has to wonder, how much truth is really in these episodes? Are people like Elliot and myself destined to only be happy with motherfuckers as neurotic as we are?

Do we really have to be fake to keep the ones we actually want?