The Mondays

Remixed.

You know, for a writer I have a horrible time getting my words out in person. Something about a keyboard gives me the ability to think while I “speak,” therefore getting my point across in a dignified and straightforward manner… but in real life, I can’t filter shit successfully out of my mouth. Things always come out too harsh, too mean, too abrupt. Damn.

I've been doing well in changing my bad habits. Yes, it's a slow process, and yes, the people closest to me have banged their heads in frustration at my sloth-like speed… but to me the progress is huge, considering. I've been running on this ethereal adrenaline burst, because I've taken my life off of cruise control and I'm slowly learning how to drive my own way around. Wow, nobody told me about this.

Hopefully, the tendencies I have that held me back my whole life will fade – maybe even disappear completely – as I get older. I can’t fix them all at once. Shit, I wish I could. I’m just as impatient as you are, but that’s what got me into this mess in the first place. My own race to get ahead in life… come to find out that nobody was rushing me but me.

I recently made a decision to distance myself from the factors in my life that make me the most insecure. Who’da thunk it, that sex was one of them? It’s not my abilities that caused me doubt myself – I love sex, and I love that I’m good at it – but I had to stop insisting that I never got attached to man behind the (good) penis. It was an addiction, and it was one that was easily satisfied. I’ve always known that I lacked will power, and I’ve always been the type to cater to an urge as soon as possible. I spoiled my body, and in turn I completely neglected my heart. (I know, that was extremely cheesy, but that’s the truth.)

I had to take a whole lot of steps back from a few people as well. Even if it wasn’t their entire fault, I found that I was too emotionally invested in their reactions to me. Granted, my decision to cut them off did seem a little hasty, but when does it ever not come as a surprise? It was a decision I struggled with for a while in that overanalyzing way I do (I believe that it all boils down to this: I am extremely indecisive, and I weigh all the pros and cons before I commit myself to one side). Their lack of reciprocation to me always ended up hurting worse than it should have, and it was something I did not want to take on as a “project.” I could have spent time explaining what they were doing wrong, but shit. Maybe they weren’t doing anything wrong. Maybe we were just on two completely different levels. Either way, it wasn’t anything I felt I should – or could – handle or accept right now. And you can be mad that I didn’t “consult with you first,” but really think about it. Is this a situation that two people can plan together? And if I had brought it up with you, would you have bothered to compromise? Or are you just mad that I didn’t give you a chance to come to this conclusion yourself, to make this a mutual “breakup”?

It was brought up that I have the habit of running away from the things I don’t want to face; I absolutely agree. I skittered back when I realized that there was nothing I could ask you to change in yourself that would make me happy, nothing I haven’t already tried asking for when we were on good terms. Thus I decided to fall back – or off – completely, until I could figure out what it was in myself that caused such discontent. If there was nothing in myself that could have been changed, then we would have had to part ways anyway. I am sincerely sorry that you took it so badly, but isn't understanding the first step to healing? You didn't even bother.

Sure I know that it wasn’t all about me. Of course you could have been going through your own things. That doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t give me the respect you give your other friends. That doesn’t change the fact that I was being treated like a demotion. In the end, “it is what it is.”

I’m happy with myself, because I’m always willing to change. I’m always willing to grow. Despite what you think, I’m always looking for ways to be better and change the situation I’m in. It’s a process. What about you though?

Only a hero would accuse the victim for playing the role of the victim. Do you really believe that that's all I do? I acknowledge my faults and my weaknesses, probably more than you do. I admit when a consequence is of my own doing. Don't I? Do I really blame the world? Out of habit, I always look to see how I fucked it up first. That’s not the issue right now. We all handle things differently, and unfortunately, this whole Having Faith In Myself thing is new. That baby is only about 4 years old, and I still don’t feel comfortable taking full credit for her because I stepped on a lot of hearts to get her in my arms. Throughout my entire childhood and adolescence I was a mental mess. I was terrified of everything – everything except getting hurt. I was able to shoulder pain with barely a blink, and I was able to let it roll down my back. That was my duty. That’s how I was raised. My house was a house built on low self-esteem. It’s hard to let all of that go.

Things changed – as they always do – when I began to settle down in that world of confidence and self-reliance. I couldn’t find a comfortable spot. The smallest thing will send me on a downward spiral back into my childhood, because none of that was real. It was acquired. It was a prized possession I was terrified of losing.

Is that pitiful? Yes. But will I admit it? Absolutely. Having faith in yourself is what gets you through the hardest times. People having faith in you will get you there faster. I’m used to having neither of that, and I have a hard time believing that it exists when it’s there. I’ve apologized for being so oblivious, and I’m promising to try and never do that again. However, when I recognize hurtles I cannot get over, and when I recognize hurtles I am not ready for, I will run around the track a few more times before I come back to it. Nobody can push me into doing something before I’m ready, and right now I’m working on building the strength to push myself.

I'm having a great Monday. The weather is the coldest and meanest it's been this season, but I've got those rose-tinted glasses on. I know it's too early for me to tell, but I've been doing really good so far. I've been taking control over my will power. I've been reasoning my way through some big decisions. I've been making them based on practicality and future rather than imnmediate benefit. I'm getting there, bitches, and I'm so happy that I'm fighting this fight.

Well. See you in the rearview.