Taken From 5andapossible - Friendships

"When I first read Thurman’s line it gave me pause because I thought about how difficult it is to let someone be who they are or who they want to be without bringing all your own shit to their table. Parents place extraordinary expectations onto their children, friends have unrealistic demands of friends, spouses project their uncertainties onto spouses, etc, etc. At one point or another we have felt the need to tell somebody about themselves, about how they were living, about what they need to do: go back to school, leave that man alone, take that job, don’t take a risk and move to a different city… And if we haven’t said it to their faces, we’ve thought about it or gossiped with our other friends about it. We have brought our own fears and trepidation about our lives into someone else’s life and tried to stop them from being who they are and who they want to be.

Recently, a friend and I had tête à tête. I told her all about herself and what I thought about a certain situation she had been in, not in a mean way per se, but in a matter of fact, I think I’m being helpful and being a friend kinda way…And she retorted by telling me all about herself, her real self...Who she was at the time and who she is now. What she believed then and how she has grown from that situation. She revealed parts of psyche that I never knew (and I mean was I really entitled to knowing the inner workings of her mind) that left me like “oh is that what you been thinking all along? Well I ain't know all that…”

It was days after our exchange that I read Thurman’s line and I had one of those ‘doh’, I coulda had a V8 moments. I realized that I had brought how I would live my life into my friend’s life. And how many of y’all know that doesn’t work? I mean like ever. I had to really accept that just because we're friends, just because we share a lot of the same values, hopes and wants in life, doesn't mean that we approach situations the same way. I had put a brought a little too much of me into her life..."
-Rum Punch

While I am learning to utilize this into my everyday behavior (anyone who knows me in real life knows that I take my friendships way too personally, I get extremely impatient and insistant when it comes to certain situations), I wonder...

Is it always the best thing to do, to step back and let them be -- and in cases that could potentially be harmful, allow them to "learn on their own?"

I was struggling with a really close friend of mine this past year, and only recently did I fall back and swallow my reactions to her behavior. Speaking with PT never failed to break my heart; there was a short period of time where I had to cut off all contact and "break up" with her because I despaired so intensely. I was known to be the "Bad Cop" and lecture her, to point (or rather, jab) the errors into plain view and shine light on obvious paths out. She was in a turbulent relationship that left her shattered to pieces, and she spiraled into a void that could only be replaced with self destructive behavior and drugs. She clung onto the smallest signs of affection from Him, she dissed her friends for him on numerous occasions, and did outlandish things for him that he did not deserve. She began doing Ecstacy, then eventually plunged into the world of cocaine.

Oh, my God darlings... You have no idea what was going on in my heart when it came to my baby girl.

It was the cocaine that made me realize that I needed to stop trying to help her. She already knew how I felt about the situation, and I should have left it at that. My constant belittling made her withdraw from me, hide parts of her life, hide parts of herself. When I realized what was happening, I was ashamed. Around the same time, something in me kind of shut off, because I was just plain old tired of begging her to help herself. I began to show indifference when she mentioned a bump or a line, and slowly she began opening up to me again. I cannot help this girl, I thought, but I can be there for her. I did my best, though it was hard to stop myself from vomiting out disapproval or advice on a few occasions afterwards.

Last night, PT and I were on one of our dates. She was telling me about her successes in quitting and confided that she only did one line on Christmas, and didn't even enjoy it. I was SO happy, and SO proud, and I broke in to apologize for the way I acted. "I'm sorry for all those times I yelled at you in the past," I said. "An addiction is an addiction and I should have understood that." She waved it off, and told me that it was something she had needed.

So.. Wait. Was I doing the right thing by being that constant presence on her shoulder, reminding her that she was hurting herself? Would holding my tongue have given her this false sense of acceptance, allowing her to continue doing what she was doing?

When my ex-roommate offered me an ultimatum between staying in the apartment or ridding myself of my "addiction" to marijuana, I came to fully understand that all addictions can only be ended when the individual is ready to end it. It's something they can only do on THEIR time, not yours, not anyone else's. Since then, I've quieted my concerns and disapproval on her use. She knew that she was pushing her limits, and she knew that she was doing way too much for her frame. She didn't need me to tell her any of that. And she did come to stop on her own.

Sigh. So many questions. In the cases outside of addiction... for instance, bad relationship choices... what is your place, as a friend? Do you accept it, as long as they don't stop being a good friend to you? And what if it crosses over into the friendship, causing damage between you two? Do you say something then?

I understand that there shouldn't be any standard for what defines you as a "good friend." But where do you find the line? When can one be considered overbearing and insensitive, rather than a friend concerned?

The "Good Cop" half of PT's life was this wonderful, soft spoken, stubborn but supportive girl we both went to high school with named BJ. PT goes to BJ when she needs to vent; she comes to me when she needs advice. BJ was telling me that she's the mom in our relationship because she will sit there quietly until PT's emotions are spent, and then she will calmly place her thoughts down on the table (while I, the drunken rage-prone father, will always interject as soon as a problem is seen). Is that my place, after all? Or should I adopt BJ's method, without getting rid of ALL my blunt criticism, if that is what she is seeking when she seeks me?

If Rum Punch hadn't approached her friend the way she did, would she have found out about her friend's inner workings at all? Isn't that kind of understanding necessary in a true, honest friendship? What if Rum Punch had held her tongue? What would they have become?

Pondering to the point of exhaustion,
TheDynasty