The Tribal Dynasty

Hm... do jinxes work?

I rarely speak upon my dating life. I never found it necessary to make a Possible permanent through pixelated text, and I guess it was a way to prevent myself from getting hopes up in case some shit went bad further down the line. Even when the situations stabilized into relationships, I felt uncomfortable writing about them. Throughout my unofficial blogging career, I've kept my "other halves" out of those daily ramblings... all my flings, loverships, infatuations and adorations were suppressed and deflected with stories and rants. Occasionally I'd leak their presence out to you in the form of some agitated poetry, but I've long since lost the passion (read:talent) for that. Well.

Going beneath the surface, my tendency to keep that part of my life a secret from "the world" was just a reflection of my inability to show ...hope ...towards, well, anything. What an odd realization to come to so early in the morning. This blog was never for the readers, it was never for you. My blogs have always been for myself (and if you haven't noticed by now, about myself LOL); it was a way of chronologizing my growth and thought patterns, a way of reminding myself of what my morals and standards and stances were when I became swayed by uncertainty and insecurity. I kept my hopes out of them, because I was too afraid to confront them. The only suggestion of a relationship I'd allow myself would be a reference to its demise, a reminder of its failure and "reality."

Keep doing what I'm doing, and I'll keep getting what I'm getting, right? So -- enough. I'm going to allow myself to hope today. I don't know how long this little kernel of determination will last, and chances are I'll withdraw back into the shade as soon as I hear a loud noise.. but fuck it, yeah? I'm feeling good, so why not.

Tribe (look for him somewhere in this post) and I have been spending some time together lately. I'm not putting all those eggs in this basket again, my dears, don't worry. But the fact of the matter is, I've come to fully accept that I like him, and my arguing nature finally seceded from the fight after 3 years of denial and confusion. I enjoy spending time with him, and figuring him out is very fun. Agitating, and frustrating to say the least... but I like doing it. He's very passive, which is different from what I'm used to. He smiles a lot, and I adore the fact that he giggles. I'm thrilled that we're opening up to each other, and I look forward to taking these baby steps with him. No more watching everyone else sprint ahead, and no more having them wait until I get there.

I asked him out a few .. weeks ago? I don't know, yo, I have a horrible sense of time. Stunned, he said that we should take it where it goes. Normally I would have fallen back, withdrawn into my shell, left it up to him. But this time I'm going to throw in more effort, and wait a little longer to be disheartened. I have to remember that he is a very passive individual. I've known him long enough to understand that he wouldn't hurt me just to hurt me, and he wouldn't string me along for his own ego's sake. I know that he likes me. Things are hectic in both our lives right now, and I'm going to exercise that damn patience I have such a hard time holding on to. He's waited 3 years for me, even when he shouldn't have. Even when he didn't want to. I should be able to do the same.

I'm not going to stop dating, but I'll be real with you right now. I've gotten a few offers, but none of them have appealed to me like that. I'm getting more comfortable with the fact that umm.. that I... *deep breath*... want.. to be... *grimace* with..... him. lol.

"I want to be with him." Whoo. Yeah. Okay. No more denying that now. And if after this whole trial period he decides that he no longer has the capacity to give as much as I'd like him to give -- I do believe I fucked it up for us back in the day -- I'll completely understand, and I'll move on as well. At least I'll know.

*Lifts glass*... hm.

Here's to hoping for tomorrow.

Love,
TheDynasty