The Backpedal

The time has come for me to start yearning to renege on all my resolutions. Will power is the wierdest (and hardest) thing.

I'm feeling the nicotene cravings stirring in my chest again. It usually happens during delicious cups of coffee or in between long sips of alcoholic bitch drinks. Luckily, my body (more than my mind) is adamant about staying clean. I get nauseous maybe four pulls in, and I usually end up throwing out the cigarette early whenever I buckle and bum one off a smiling stranger. (It's too easy to get by without buying packs for yourself when you are an attractive female in a big city. Catch eyes with a smoker and slow down. They usually come to a stop before you do.)

I'm lucky, because it's not like I'm struggling to put mind over matter in this situation. I'm not trying to force my body into listening to my head, I'm still merely following what my insides tell me. It's funny, kind of. Wife told me the other day that it's odd how in-tune I am with my body's messages (ironic, in seeing how badly I've spoiled it until now). I'd "treated myself" and consumed a farm in one sitting (half a turkey burger, half a beef burger, with bacon on the side) after following a dip in craving (didn't cut out meat, per se, just began looking at the other options). Yo, I couldn't finish my plate. By that point in the meal, my heart had grown so heavy and thick; I'd also strayed from my soda hiatus and ordered a can to wash down the grease. The results were immediate, and I grimaced while putting a hand over my chest. "I have to stop," I said. And I did.

Even in quitting, I'm passive. I merely observe and react to what I'm told by my body. lol.

On the other side of the spectrum, in which I am having to force my physical to abide by the mental -- How's my celibacy coming along? Feh. Since the official declaration date (Jan 1st), I've done my fair share of reconsidering. Everyone told me that it was a stupid idea. I'm inclined to agree, but at least I'm practicing restraint. We'll see where that goes.

Ever since my father found my bag of dicks (ha!), I've been without any, er... aid. All for the better; the walls of our tiny ass railroad apartment don't leave much room for the animal sounds that would usually rip from my little Asian throat (arf, arf) anyway. Moving back home did help a lot, it makes placing rules on myself easier. And on the plus side, my libido is still sleepy. It's gotten used to being ignored.

I think the term "gluttony" should be expanded past food and drink. I adore how it sounds, it is a really fitting word for a lot of situations.

I'm blessed to have the friends I do. It gives me a better understanding of what love is, I'm quite unfamiliar to it. That kind of love helps make the distinction between infatuation and those evasive flutterings that leave you (me) uncomfortably giddy after certain moments pass. I ran into Wife in the bathroom at work this morning, before I got a chance to visit her at her desk. We walked right into each others arms, embraced and pouted with genuine feeling. ("Baby, I don't care that everyone thinks we're gay!") I got that flush of warmth when she pressed her forehead to my neck, and I dropped my cheek onto her hair. Though we've been hanging out a lot lately, we've been more around each other than with each other; she murmured "Wife!" before we hugged for a long time. I sincerely miss her and think about her quite often. I'm glad she loves me and misses me too.

I miss the times I spent alone with Tribe, as well, here I am admitting a soft spot. We've been doing 'group sessions' with his homies and though they've been very entertaining, I'm quite overstimulated. Maybe I'm just overstimulated in general. I've been craving for early bedtimes on my own giant mattress. Quiet. I'm inclined to cease speaking for a couple of days. I need to readjust.

January is stretching out to be a bit of a long month. December passed with the quickness, but I guess reconstruction is always slow.

Love,
theDynasty