Late Night Ramblings

Me: Hey, give me a good blogger nickname for my ex, the only thing I can come up with is "Cheetah Thighs."

SGF: lol, no I can't. If I did, it would be based on what you told me about him. All I remember is, "Dick Belongs In Porn."

LOL! Son, I hope the universe is giving you a big, fat high five right now.

A few things. I've had brief bursts of revelations in the past couple of hours.

1) I've got some repenting to do.

I just had dinner with my good friend Pretty, I don't know if you remember me mentioning him a while back. We used to date, and we had a brief falling out; now we're great friends and naturally avoiding the relationship thing. Luckily, at least on my end, our love for each other is stronger than ever.

We were catching up on thangs tonight after work. Over deliciously disgusting cheese steaks and later, a cup of mocha @ Starbucks, we rambled on about our lives and insulted each other, grinning like fools. He was telling me that he woke up in the middle of the night completely elated that the girl he's seeing now snores just as loudly as he does. We're at a point in our friendship where we can speak candidly about the relationship we had, and we laughed over the time I snapped at him for snoring so loudly that I had trouble sleeping. I'd angrily threatened to kick him out of bed for depriving me of sleep in my own damn house. Normally, I'd have suppressed my frustration and let his beautiful ass sleep, because I liked him that much. Just so happened that one night I couldn't take it anymore, and I got extremely cranky and reckless with my words. I let out the fists of fury and he never forgot.

Do you know what he told me? =(

He said that he used to stay up for hours to make sure I fell asleep before he did, so that he wouldn't wake me up with his snoring. He lost so many hours of sleep because .. fuck, because he was a really, really good guy. I felt horrible.

Fuckin A, Tribe did that for me too. Once.

A couple of days ago, I was pondering upon my recent frustrations with Tribe and his inability to open up, or his tendencies to retreat during moments of stress, and how it conflicted heavily with the affection I wanted to show him. I thought about all the things I wanted to contront him about, when something gave me great pause.

Cheetah Thighs, if you read me at all, youre going to stab your screen so hard in an I TOLD YOU SO moment. Get your finger ready. Karma's sucking your dick right now.

Everything I wanted to tell Tribe, my ex very blatantly told me before/while we were breaking up. Everything. I sat there, stunned, and my heart started melting uncontrollably. I texted Wife, who speaks to him on occasion, and asked her to relay to Porn Star Dick that I truly appreciated his patience, and that I cannot believe he tolerated this for 5 whole months. Every day, nonetheless. I deal with Tribe like, once a week, if that much. CT/PSD worked on me every day without wavering in his dedication and affection, and he didn't withdraw or give up until the very end.

Every day. Do you have any idea how hard that is? I learned that I am extremely difficult to accept without some kind of love being somewhere in the picture fueling that determined tolerance. Mad respect. I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

Dealing with Tribe suddenly put my own actions into a harsh perspective, and I took a reeling step back. I was definitely meant to meet PSD (Don't worry, that is only a temporary nickname until I find one more fitting. Unless, of course, you don't mind). I'm learning to exercise the patience he showed me, and I'm understanding Tribe better because I have to dig into myself to find him (which, oddly enough, is the hardest thing to do. I'm blind when it comes to my wrongdoings, even in retrospect it takes a while for the full truth to reveal).

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All the fucking men in my life, I thank you from the bottom of my fucking heart. I am SUCH a cunt. Wow. The love I have for all of you is endless.

2) Yeah, that. Love.

I had to give Cheetah Thighs a nickname for this post because he's coming up a lot in conversation. I'll refer to him as PSD because A) it's less emasculating and B) it's more flattering.

SGF and I rarely get to speak to each other. That's my homegirl, half a world away. She's, er.. 8 hours behind me on the clock? So we only catch each other online during NYC's quietest hours; luckily I have an erratic sleep pattern (it's 3:20 am as I type) so we catch each other every few weeks or so. We were talking about love and what it meant to be in it; I mentioned a conversation PSD and I had a while ago.

He made a statement I completely agreed with, at least at the time. He said, "I've loved a lot of women before, but I've never known what it was like to be in love." That might sound like a really odd statement to make, but not for people like him, like us. We are in tune with our emotions enough to recognize and acknowledge what isn't. On top of that, both of us are writers. There is a word for every feeling, every level of emotion, every shift in intensity, every reason of attraction. If we don't know it, we will find one. People like him and yes, I admit, even myself, are romantics at heart, and we both -- at least, I -- have an understanding that when you are in love, you will know.

For people like SGF, and I, and perhaps even PSD -- we are naturally inclined to give. I often confused endless giving with loving, and I was able to dedicate myself to love without ever really understanding what it was supposed to feel like, to truly want to give it without the tiniest ounce of force or obligation. I didn't understand the true driving motivation behind the emotion, I only knew the actions and the loyalty. After I came to the realization of what I was doing, I withdrew completely and sort of.. gave nothing, if it wasn't love. That withdrawal was the demise of my relationship with PSD -- I cannot regret that, for I did not feel that love with him, either -- and it seems that the reality of it will be the demise of my relationship with Tribe, reversed. Because of this experience, when I have to let go, I will be ready.

I'm telling you, yo. Pay attention to everyone you encounter. Everything happens for a reason. Always be thankful, and always try to learn as much as possible.

I love how I failed at not talking about my dating life. Well, enjoy one of the rare glimpses into my heart. They will be few and far between.

Thank you, so much. PSD, Pretty, JB, even Providence, all of you made an impact on my growth and I have you to thank in the future, when I become the person I want to be. I can only hope I was able to do the same.

I'm sorry for everything I've done to yall. Even if it was something I couldn't change at the time, I really do feel horrible. Damn.

And thank you, for those who forgave me. I hope the rest of the world will see the kindness in your hearts.

Love,
theDynasty.