It is what it is

Something happened where I've come to doubt myself, my abilities, and my standards to an unfamiliar level in which I ask an insane amount of questions (cough: this blog) that have no definite, standard answers. I know I'm overthinking, and I know I'm stressing myself out. Eventually I'll get over it and stop merely dipping my toe into the water; I'll dive (no more cannonballing either LOL), I just don't know when yet. All this thinking is hard to -- and here's the magic word -- control. I have the LEAST amount of control over myself, and that's what I'm struggling to achieve.

So here's a little cheek slap to myself.

*SLAP*
YO.
YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING AND START DOING.

How many times they have to keep telling you that?

Snap out of it, bitch, and get back to your resolutions. You're reneging. Because you're thinking too goddamn much. Stick with the decisions you made before you try to sprint up ahead and come up with new ones.

*Points*.. now GO.

Love,
Yourself

Taken From 5andapossible - Friendships

"When I first read Thurman’s line it gave me pause because I thought about how difficult it is to let someone be who they are or who they want to be without bringing all your own shit to their table. Parents place extraordinary expectations onto their children, friends have unrealistic demands of friends, spouses project their uncertainties onto spouses, etc, etc. At one point or another we have felt the need to tell somebody about themselves, about how they were living, about what they need to do: go back to school, leave that man alone, take that job, don’t take a risk and move to a different city… And if we haven’t said it to their faces, we’ve thought about it or gossiped with our other friends about it. We have brought our own fears and trepidation about our lives into someone else’s life and tried to stop them from being who they are and who they want to be.

Recently, a friend and I had tête à tête. I told her all about herself and what I thought about a certain situation she had been in, not in a mean way per se, but in a matter of fact, I think I’m being helpful and being a friend kinda way…And she retorted by telling me all about herself, her real self...Who she was at the time and who she is now. What she believed then and how she has grown from that situation. She revealed parts of psyche that I never knew (and I mean was I really entitled to knowing the inner workings of her mind) that left me like “oh is that what you been thinking all along? Well I ain't know all that…”

It was days after our exchange that I read Thurman’s line and I had one of those ‘doh’, I coulda had a V8 moments. I realized that I had brought how I would live my life into my friend’s life. And how many of y’all know that doesn’t work? I mean like ever. I had to really accept that just because we're friends, just because we share a lot of the same values, hopes and wants in life, doesn't mean that we approach situations the same way. I had put a brought a little too much of me into her life..."
-Rum Punch

While I am learning to utilize this into my everyday behavior (anyone who knows me in real life knows that I take my friendships way too personally, I get extremely impatient and insistant when it comes to certain situations), I wonder...

Is it always the best thing to do, to step back and let them be -- and in cases that could potentially be harmful, allow them to "learn on their own?"

I was struggling with a really close friend of mine this past year, and only recently did I fall back and swallow my reactions to her behavior. Speaking with PT never failed to break my heart; there was a short period of time where I had to cut off all contact and "break up" with her because I despaired so intensely. I was known to be the "Bad Cop" and lecture her, to point (or rather, jab) the errors into plain view and shine light on obvious paths out. She was in a turbulent relationship that left her shattered to pieces, and she spiraled into a void that could only be replaced with self destructive behavior and drugs. She clung onto the smallest signs of affection from Him, she dissed her friends for him on numerous occasions, and did outlandish things for him that he did not deserve. She began doing Ecstacy, then eventually plunged into the world of cocaine.

Oh, my God darlings... You have no idea what was going on in my heart when it came to my baby girl.

It was the cocaine that made me realize that I needed to stop trying to help her. She already knew how I felt about the situation, and I should have left it at that. My constant belittling made her withdraw from me, hide parts of her life, hide parts of herself. When I realized what was happening, I was ashamed. Around the same time, something in me kind of shut off, because I was just plain old tired of begging her to help herself. I began to show indifference when she mentioned a bump or a line, and slowly she began opening up to me again. I cannot help this girl, I thought, but I can be there for her. I did my best, though it was hard to stop myself from vomiting out disapproval or advice on a few occasions afterwards.

Last night, PT and I were on one of our dates. She was telling me about her successes in quitting and confided that she only did one line on Christmas, and didn't even enjoy it. I was SO happy, and SO proud, and I broke in to apologize for the way I acted. "I'm sorry for all those times I yelled at you in the past," I said. "An addiction is an addiction and I should have understood that." She waved it off, and told me that it was something she had needed.

So.. Wait. Was I doing the right thing by being that constant presence on her shoulder, reminding her that she was hurting herself? Would holding my tongue have given her this false sense of acceptance, allowing her to continue doing what she was doing?

When my ex-roommate offered me an ultimatum between staying in the apartment or ridding myself of my "addiction" to marijuana, I came to fully understand that all addictions can only be ended when the individual is ready to end it. It's something they can only do on THEIR time, not yours, not anyone else's. Since then, I've quieted my concerns and disapproval on her use. She knew that she was pushing her limits, and she knew that she was doing way too much for her frame. She didn't need me to tell her any of that. And she did come to stop on her own.

Sigh. So many questions. In the cases outside of addiction... for instance, bad relationship choices... what is your place, as a friend? Do you accept it, as long as they don't stop being a good friend to you? And what if it crosses over into the friendship, causing damage between you two? Do you say something then?

I understand that there shouldn't be any standard for what defines you as a "good friend." But where do you find the line? When can one be considered overbearing and insensitive, rather than a friend concerned?

The "Good Cop" half of PT's life was this wonderful, soft spoken, stubborn but supportive girl we both went to high school with named BJ. PT goes to BJ when she needs to vent; she comes to me when she needs advice. BJ was telling me that she's the mom in our relationship because she will sit there quietly until PT's emotions are spent, and then she will calmly place her thoughts down on the table (while I, the drunken rage-prone father, will always interject as soon as a problem is seen). Is that my place, after all? Or should I adopt BJ's method, without getting rid of ALL my blunt criticism, if that is what she is seeking when she seeks me?

If Rum Punch hadn't approached her friend the way she did, would she have found out about her friend's inner workings at all? Isn't that kind of understanding necessary in a true, honest friendship? What if Rum Punch had held her tongue? What would they have become?

Pondering to the point of exhaustion,
TheDynasty

The Tribal Dynasty

Hm... do jinxes work?

I rarely speak upon my dating life. I never found it necessary to make a Possible permanent through pixelated text, and I guess it was a way to prevent myself from getting hopes up in case some shit went bad further down the line. Even when the situations stabilized into relationships, I felt uncomfortable writing about them. Throughout my unofficial blogging career, I've kept my "other halves" out of those daily ramblings... all my flings, loverships, infatuations and adorations were suppressed and deflected with stories and rants. Occasionally I'd leak their presence out to you in the form of some agitated poetry, but I've long since lost the passion (read:talent) for that. Well.

Going beneath the surface, my tendency to keep that part of my life a secret from "the world" was just a reflection of my inability to show ...hope ...towards, well, anything. What an odd realization to come to so early in the morning. This blog was never for the readers, it was never for you. My blogs have always been for myself (and if you haven't noticed by now, about myself LOL); it was a way of chronologizing my growth and thought patterns, a way of reminding myself of what my morals and standards and stances were when I became swayed by uncertainty and insecurity. I kept my hopes out of them, because I was too afraid to confront them. The only suggestion of a relationship I'd allow myself would be a reference to its demise, a reminder of its failure and "reality."

Keep doing what I'm doing, and I'll keep getting what I'm getting, right? So -- enough. I'm going to allow myself to hope today. I don't know how long this little kernel of determination will last, and chances are I'll withdraw back into the shade as soon as I hear a loud noise.. but fuck it, yeah? I'm feeling good, so why not.

Tribe (look for him somewhere in this post) and I have been spending some time together lately. I'm not putting all those eggs in this basket again, my dears, don't worry. But the fact of the matter is, I've come to fully accept that I like him, and my arguing nature finally seceded from the fight after 3 years of denial and confusion. I enjoy spending time with him, and figuring him out is very fun. Agitating, and frustrating to say the least... but I like doing it. He's very passive, which is different from what I'm used to. He smiles a lot, and I adore the fact that he giggles. I'm thrilled that we're opening up to each other, and I look forward to taking these baby steps with him. No more watching everyone else sprint ahead, and no more having them wait until I get there.

I asked him out a few .. weeks ago? I don't know, yo, I have a horrible sense of time. Stunned, he said that we should take it where it goes. Normally I would have fallen back, withdrawn into my shell, left it up to him. But this time I'm going to throw in more effort, and wait a little longer to be disheartened. I have to remember that he is a very passive individual. I've known him long enough to understand that he wouldn't hurt me just to hurt me, and he wouldn't string me along for his own ego's sake. I know that he likes me. Things are hectic in both our lives right now, and I'm going to exercise that damn patience I have such a hard time holding on to. He's waited 3 years for me, even when he shouldn't have. Even when he didn't want to. I should be able to do the same.

I'm not going to stop dating, but I'll be real with you right now. I've gotten a few offers, but none of them have appealed to me like that. I'm getting more comfortable with the fact that umm.. that I... *deep breath*... want.. to be... *grimace* with..... him. lol.

"I want to be with him." Whoo. Yeah. Okay. No more denying that now. And if after this whole trial period he decides that he no longer has the capacity to give as much as I'd like him to give -- I do believe I fucked it up for us back in the day -- I'll completely understand, and I'll move on as well. At least I'll know.

*Lifts glass*... hm.

Here's to hoping for tomorrow.

Love,
TheDynasty

Our Children Are Going To Be Assholes, and Don't Touch My F*cking Hat

I overheard a woman on the train the other day talking about this new children's book that her publishing division at.. um.. "Poppyseed Avenue"... is coming out with. Anyway, this children's book is revolutionary because the characters can now read the story to you -- "so that the parents don't have to! Yeah, it's wild, right?"

My eyes widened as I listened in on the conversation, and I turned down the volume on my iPod. You can't be serious, I thought. Parents are becoming obsolete now, aren't they. Their only purpose is to create us and release us, the rest we'll take care of on our own. Mommy is the automated storybook, and daddy is the cable TV.

I have an unsettling fear of this new generation, yall. Generation X has grown, Generation Y is balancing.. but that Generation Z, we've hit the last letter of the alphabet for a reason. That's the end, man. Kids are just too damn smart nowadays.

I was talking with my good friend IM a while back about her kids. We were stuck on the train over the bridge, so we had a rare moment to speak about the things we forgot to mention during our cigarette breaks at work. She was telling me about her youngest, Doodoos, who is now 7 years old. It is undeniable that he is extremely smart "for his age."

For his age. Really? Because nowadays, 7 year olds program DVD players for their technology-illiterate parents. Nowadays, 7 year olds cut school to hang out with their homies in local parks. Is he too smart for his age? Or his his age just too damn smart altogether?

One of my favorite stories about Doodoos is when he announced to IM that him and his friends started a crew. This was when he was 6, I believe. They gave each other nicknames and everything. IM grins, and says, "what's your street name?"

He crosses his arms, raises his chin. "They call me--" he lifts his hands with authority -- "The Masta Piece." IM crumbles into a fit of laughter, and asks what the other names were. His best friends name, the 2nd-in-command, was "The Dominator."

I laughed my tits off while she was telling me this, but something struck me as odd. Yo... How the fuck does a 6 year old know what "Dominator" even MEANS? Shit, when I was 6, I was learning how to color in the lines!

"I BLAME CABLE!" I declared. "We NEVER had cable at my parent's house. Still don't. My brother's been living there 18 years, and his ass is STILL dumb."

That evening on the train, IM and I were reminiscing about Doodoos again. She was saying that he was smart as soon he came out of her; he must have borrowed the intelligence from both his father and his mama. I tilted my head, then asked...

"Do you think that the kids of this generation are just.. ALL being born smart?" I was thinking about the stories my friends told me about their babies, their neices, their nephews. 9 year olds retaliating in arguments with "that's poetic justice!" (True story!) I was thinking about the incredible intelligence of the few toddlers I've met (shout out to Selena). Maybe it's not environment -- cable, tutoring, being read to -- as much as a revamped continuation of Darwinism? Maybe they are all being born with this incredible sense of perception? The difference could be that intelligence isn't necessarily guaranteed with that newly innate sense. The good ones might grow to be extremely smart, while the bad ones -- the "dumb" ones -- will become expert manipulators. Isn't it undeniable that ALL these fucking toddlers nowadays are too smart for their own damn good?

What now, when on top of cable tv, high speed internet, and hi-tech cell phones being placed in hands not big enough to even hold it properly, these little gremlins now get BOOKS that READ THEMSELVES? Am I bugging out right now?

"Poppyseed Avenue" was something I sat in front of before I fully understood the concept of numbers and colors. That's what The Tranny and Crelmo was there to teach me. My mother read to my brother and me every night (granted, she read to us in Korean, but I did learn how to read that language "by accident" because of her). It developed a bond between the mother and I that can't be severed, regardless of how badly it needs to be at times.

I'm worried. Now, along with this generation of scarily smart embryos, we've got the slew of women who aren't willing to take on the stay-at-home-mother role because 1), it would set feminism back by a million years and 2), they fought too hard as individuals for their careers, their independence, and their freedom. Women now take pride in the fact that they don't cook, they dedicate their lives to their jobs, and we have more degrees between us than ever before. That would be fine if the men switched roles to balance it out.. but they haven't. Our adult society is now a society of self-driven workaholics who fear dependency as much as they fear death.

These children are going to be self-reliant by the time they are 11. Self-reliant, but ignorant of the lessons that will never abide to shifting trends; lessons that will always take their time revealing themselves to their recipents. Yet these 11 year olds will feel like they can make their own decisions, because their parents are no longer role models, authority figures, caretakers. Their parents are helpless babysitters. Roommates. Do you see where I'm going with this?

We're going to grow into this extreme society where on one side, humans will never develop the ability to learn anything on their own. On the other, humans will already know too much too soon, and they will misuse what they have. We're running ourselves into the ground, yall. Yes, be afraid. Do something about it. We need to adjust everything standard -- teaching methods, for example -- to fit and one-up this inevitable outcome. Don't say I didn't warn you.

* * *

On another note, a friend of mine just 'dumped' me because I get extremely aggravated -- er, enraged -- every time he puts his hands on my face. Which is a lot of the time. He likes to push buttons.. but on top of that, I found out today that his method of showing affection to his female friends is by doing things like pinching their cheeks or their noses, ruffling their hair. That's cute and all, but fuck no. The first time he stuck his pinky into my ear as a joke, I flipped and cursed him out. You just don't DO that. Shit.

The second time, he grabbed my hat and wiggled the bill around. I had told him over and over and over again that I don't like hands near my face, ON my face, AROUND my face -- and I especially hate it when people touch my hat. Son, you just DONT. DO THAT SHIT.

There were a few more times where he forgot and reached for my face, and each time my temper flared.

Now, I love hanging out with this kid. He is extremely intelligent, funny, kind hearted, and supportive. He's helped me through a lot of my tough times, and I give him nothing but the utmost respect. However.

Last night, as we were parting ways at Union Square, I made a joke about him and we laughed. He took off his hat, shoved it in my face, and shook it around. My smile got stony, my head jerked back, and I pointed at him before I abruptly walked away. I was too heated to even kiss his cheek. HOW many times did I have to tell this dude? Like, for real?

He sent me an email this morning, explaining that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me because he never knows what is going to set me off. He doesn't like being afraid to hug me, doesn't like wondering if this time, he's hugged me wrong. While I understand that, I responded that I only react when he gets near my face. I've told him on many occasions that I did not like that. He suggested that we fall back to being email/texting friends, because he does not want to have to censor his actions, and it will be a win/win because I will not feel "disrespected."

I left it alone. I agreed. It made me sad -- but even more, it made me angry. I told him that I was an abused child, that hands on my face trigger an unconscious bullet that tears through my demeanor before I could blink. Instead of flinching and withdrawing, I lash out immediately. Yet, I do my best to keep that rage in check. I don't hit him back, my fists are clenched by my sides. I don't yell, I don't throw a fit. I just get very quiet and ask him not to do it again, warnings in my eyes and all.

It wasn't worth the constant flares, if he wanted that then that's what he will get.

What heated my blood so much was that even he acknowledged our awesome friendship. We have the most amazing, retrospective, intelligent conversations ever. They go on for hours at times, and we learn a lot from each other. We vibe great. But word? Drop all that because of this?

Let me break it down to you, homie.

Actions can be controlled.
Emotions cannot.

You tell me who is in the position to make the most compromise here.

I'm sincerely sorry that this is another friendship lost. But I can't change myself in this situation. I can't. This is an immediate reaction, it's an emotion that can't be suppressed -- which I genuinely try my best to do, again, when I feel the rage bubbling up past my lips -- or controlled. That might take years of therapy.

Or, it could take more conscious efforts from you to not touch my fucking face.

But hey, apparently that's not something you're able or willing to do, you say. So, then, it is what it is. I'm not going to stress about it any longer.

Taken from This Is Not A Blog

I swear, if I quoted this chick as much as I wanted to, my entire blog would be.. her blog.

Listen to this. Wow.

."Years ago, I came up with the idea that we all choose our problems - whether or not it's consciously. We stick to patterns that are harmful but comfortable, people who hurt us but are familiar, addictions which are dangerous but also routine. We are molded by the problems that we face, and become the people we have to be in order to face them. And maybe it's because we're women, or because we're human, or because we're us, but we need problems to get by.

We are untrusting of situations that are "too smooth." We feel uneasy when things have been quiet for too long. We have become too accustomed to being "problem solvers" and feel inept and idle when there are no problems to solve. So whenever life seems too simple, we come up with questions we already have the answers to, insecurities to hang over our heads, doubts that we instinctively know are useless. That's how we feel like ourselves. We're like donuts; the holes are useless and might even take away some of our substance, but without them we feel awkward."

Wow.

Taken From Jarrod Halsey

"...when you get into a relationship, you don’t just see how your feelings will be as you go along. That’s for the “undefined” relationship. In a real relationship, you go full force. You put yourself out there. You let those walls come down because what’s the point of a heart if no one ever gets to shine their light on it?

...relationships, ALL relationships, take hard work, sacrifice and compromise. And because of that, I will never take another relationship lightly again."

Beautiful. I'll raise my glass to that. This was a hard lesson learned, and one I will take to heart. I've come to see that the way I've been living and loving was more damaging than uplifting, and my bar has been set much higher. I'd like to thank those in my life who helped me come to this realization. I'd like to thank all those that I've lost, and pushed away; I'd like to thank all those that have pushed me away, and those who have stuck by my side. Especially those who have stuck by my side. It means the world to me that you are still here. Your patience and your guidance is never ignored, although it may take a very long time to absorb.

This will be a year of very intense, life changing resolutions.

I will promise to grow as much as I could. I promise to always be open to change, but I also promise to hold on to my identity while I shape it. I let it go too much this year, and I ran down too many different paths. I forgot me in all of it.

I promise to stop fearing the future so much. I promise to stop hurting from my past.

I cannot promise that I won't make an assload of mistakes along the way. But I do promise to learn as much as I could from them. All the mistakes in my life have been, in the end, wonderful.

I'd like to take this moment to apologize to everyone I've hurt in my growing process. Maybe not for my actions, and not for my decisions; I do apologize that it was me that made you feel that pain. But don't worry, Karma will get me back. ;)

I'd like to thank each and every single person that's ever dicked me over. You are the reason I'm here today. Thank you.

Last but not least -- thank you, you know who you all are, for looking past the frustrations and seeing that I have a good heart. Every time you say that to me, it means a lot. I need to be reminded that my efforts aren't in vain, and hearing you say that gives me the drive to push on.

Thank you for having dreams. Thank you for allowing me to help you achieve them. In the end, that's all I ever want to do.

(And Halsey, thank you for letting me steal your post. Even though you'll talk mad shit about that later LOL)

Love,
TheDynasty

Who AM I?!

I've been turned off by cigarettes and meat.
I've stopped smoking bud on weekdays.
I haven't wanted to have sex in a month.

Unless I'm pregnant and my period just doesn't it know yet, I think my body's forcing me to grow up, whether I'm going to comply or not.

This is the strangest thing in the world. I wonder how long it will last?

Stolen From A Super Duper Top Secret Forums Board

Not really

I recognize myself in a bit of this. Don't deny that you see the letters in your name spelled out too, lol. An interesting excerpt, from the perspective of The Nice Guy:

Part I:
In the dating game WOMEN have the power to chose what mate they want. They know what kind of man they are getting with but they choose him anyway because he was "cute, fun, exciting and/or dangerous". Men do not have that option.

THEY CHOOSE THE PLAYERS/JERKS/THUG MEN.

You always hear females bitching about wanting a "real" man but they turn their backs on them. It's only after the females throw his "respect and caring" for them in his face that drives men to distraction, that men become uncaring, NOT because they are, but because after trying their best and failing to live up to the UNREALISTIC expectations of the woman they truly care about, men realize that their feelings never matter, only HER agenda. What SHE WANTS. It's only about HER.

Now if the guy is overly good-looking with a bank account to match, has a 10' penis and can sex like a Greek God, has an IQ of 150 with a "bad boy" edge women will always treat them like kings. But for average "real" guys it's much different.

A man who dares to complain about this system is written off as a bitter misogynist, having a bad attitude and is rejected. That's another repetition of the cycle because he opens up his true feelings, as he is SUPPOSED to do, and is punished for it if isn't the type of TRUTH women want to hear.

Every time a Nice/good guy talks about why women don't want him AFTER HE DOES EVERYTHING THEY ASK AND CLAIM TO WANT. Females will ALWAYS blame the man and NOT themselves. Instead they will tell him he is rejected not because he's a Nice/good man but because of some trivial flaw.

Every nice/good guy hears women talk about how wonderful they are, and how they would make some woman very happy, The nice/good guy is inclined to believe these words,yet those same females don't go out of their way to date them or even fix them up. Instead women are eager to fix a shallow jerk/player up with other women. Meanwhile, the man who is what women CLAIM to want is ignored. The conclusion that women are lying to him is almost impossible to refute.

Part II: The Change
If he stops caring, stops letting his desires control his emotions, stops going out of his way for women, and stops giving them the benefit of the doubt, they will forever try to change him back into the man they ignored in the first place. If females wanted nice/good men, they would select nice/good men in the first place. It is obvious that females are less interested in seeking out a nice/good guy to begin with, and are more interested in the DRAMA created by the challenge of turning a jerk/player back into the nice/good guy she NEVER wanted. Good/Nice guys are told not to change a thing despite their miserable results, to keep up hope that things will turn around, and one day they will meet that mythical right woman [HA!], who makes all the pain worthwhile. So they sit back and watch as all their jerk/players friends seem to pull women and sex off a conveyor belt.

"You'll find her"...."Hang in there"....."Just be yourelf" Nice/good guys are told over and over and over again.The years roll by and yet they are still alone or if best stuck as "Just friends" and Cuddle Bitches of females.

The typical canned response given to good guys by women?

"He will get the women in the end [when she's in her late 30's] but what guy wants a women after a bunch of bad boys/players and thugs went through her and now she's old, her beauty is fading and she prob has kids? So she NOW runs to the Nice/good guy? Sorry, but noone wants to be an after-thought of damaged goods. If it takes her THAT LONG to figure out she wanted a nice/good guy, she prob never did and is only NOW going after him because her Bio-clock is ticking and she knows the player/thugs don't want to have anything to do with her. She runs to him NOT by choice but by necessity.

Part III: The Last Resort
Eventually, the Nice Guy/Good guy learns not to open up, and to be jaded, cynical, and distant. He's finally says "FUCK THIS!"

And thanks to the power of the internet, he goes and finds some REAL ANSWERS. He soon finds info like "The Ladder Theory" and "The Player's Guide at fastseduction.com". Becoming a player/jerk wasn't his the first idea, it was his LAST RESORT. Sadly, being a decent normal guy ISN'T enough anymore. Now, It seems females RESPOND MORE to his new persona. He slowy becomes the jerk, on his way to being a player.

The players/jerks are just regular guys who have been walked on a bit too much. One thing that is clear is that many of them are not thrilled with what they have to do in order to get a girlfriend and laid, and who can blame them? When the same man who is rejected as a nice/good guy is treated like royalty when he becomes a thug/jerk or player, how can women expect any man to put up with that? They might as well just drop the charade and tell men that this is what they want.

This is one of reasons why men become jerks/players: they get tired of denying their sexuality, tired of worrying about whether or not women will approve of them, they stop trying to hide their desires, they get sick of hearing "You're a great guy but.."they are tired of hearing women give them the SAME bullshit advice that contradicts their OWN actions towards men. Soon they stop caring about how anyone reacts to them, start caring only about whether they get laid or not, and the females see this as a display of manhood , something worthy of a sexual reward.

Part IV: The Now
Females go with what feels good NOW, even when they talk about and claim to wanting long-term happiness. They will violate their own selection principles by overreacting to something the jerk/player says, something they think sets him apart from other men, but which in reality was something that he knew would make females feel good and more likely to want to fuck him.

The reality is women, just like men follow their primal instincts FIRST. Women just call it "Following your heart" because it sounds better than "Follow your pussy". And many of them lack the self-control to NOT date these guys in much the same way that they seem to lack the self-control necessary to not eat that pint of chocolate ice cream even though they know they're going to be bltching about their weight later. And since they're women, they can just go and say it was the man's fault all along, right?.

In dating, the same thing happens, with a man constantly finding himself at a fork in the road where acting like a good guy will doom the relationship, while acting like a jerk/player will get him immediate sex and the women. And until that reward system changes, until females stop trusting everything they HEAR that they want to believe, until they start getting turned on by honesty and decency the way they get turned on by height, money, and physical strength or status, it will not change.

And it's very safe to say that this change will NOT come in your lifetime.

___________________________
Um... should we do something about this? Ladies? A part of me only wants to disagree because it's my duty as a female to stick up for the vagina brigade. But... too much of this rings true. So, what do we do about it?

The Mondays

Remixed.

You know, for a writer I have a horrible time getting my words out in person. Something about a keyboard gives me the ability to think while I “speak,” therefore getting my point across in a dignified and straightforward manner… but in real life, I can’t filter shit successfully out of my mouth. Things always come out too harsh, too mean, too abrupt. Damn.

I've been doing well in changing my bad habits. Yes, it's a slow process, and yes, the people closest to me have banged their heads in frustration at my sloth-like speed… but to me the progress is huge, considering. I've been running on this ethereal adrenaline burst, because I've taken my life off of cruise control and I'm slowly learning how to drive my own way around. Wow, nobody told me about this.

Hopefully, the tendencies I have that held me back my whole life will fade – maybe even disappear completely – as I get older. I can’t fix them all at once. Shit, I wish I could. I’m just as impatient as you are, but that’s what got me into this mess in the first place. My own race to get ahead in life… come to find out that nobody was rushing me but me.

I recently made a decision to distance myself from the factors in my life that make me the most insecure. Who’da thunk it, that sex was one of them? It’s not my abilities that caused me doubt myself – I love sex, and I love that I’m good at it – but I had to stop insisting that I never got attached to man behind the (good) penis. It was an addiction, and it was one that was easily satisfied. I’ve always known that I lacked will power, and I’ve always been the type to cater to an urge as soon as possible. I spoiled my body, and in turn I completely neglected my heart. (I know, that was extremely cheesy, but that’s the truth.)

I had to take a whole lot of steps back from a few people as well. Even if it wasn’t their entire fault, I found that I was too emotionally invested in their reactions to me. Granted, my decision to cut them off did seem a little hasty, but when does it ever not come as a surprise? It was a decision I struggled with for a while in that overanalyzing way I do (I believe that it all boils down to this: I am extremely indecisive, and I weigh all the pros and cons before I commit myself to one side). Their lack of reciprocation to me always ended up hurting worse than it should have, and it was something I did not want to take on as a “project.” I could have spent time explaining what they were doing wrong, but shit. Maybe they weren’t doing anything wrong. Maybe we were just on two completely different levels. Either way, it wasn’t anything I felt I should – or could – handle or accept right now. And you can be mad that I didn’t “consult with you first,” but really think about it. Is this a situation that two people can plan together? And if I had brought it up with you, would you have bothered to compromise? Or are you just mad that I didn’t give you a chance to come to this conclusion yourself, to make this a mutual “breakup”?

It was brought up that I have the habit of running away from the things I don’t want to face; I absolutely agree. I skittered back when I realized that there was nothing I could ask you to change in yourself that would make me happy, nothing I haven’t already tried asking for when we were on good terms. Thus I decided to fall back – or off – completely, until I could figure out what it was in myself that caused such discontent. If there was nothing in myself that could have been changed, then we would have had to part ways anyway. I am sincerely sorry that you took it so badly, but isn't understanding the first step to healing? You didn't even bother.

Sure I know that it wasn’t all about me. Of course you could have been going through your own things. That doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t give me the respect you give your other friends. That doesn’t change the fact that I was being treated like a demotion. In the end, “it is what it is.”

I’m happy with myself, because I’m always willing to change. I’m always willing to grow. Despite what you think, I’m always looking for ways to be better and change the situation I’m in. It’s a process. What about you though?

Only a hero would accuse the victim for playing the role of the victim. Do you really believe that that's all I do? I acknowledge my faults and my weaknesses, probably more than you do. I admit when a consequence is of my own doing. Don't I? Do I really blame the world? Out of habit, I always look to see how I fucked it up first. That’s not the issue right now. We all handle things differently, and unfortunately, this whole Having Faith In Myself thing is new. That baby is only about 4 years old, and I still don’t feel comfortable taking full credit for her because I stepped on a lot of hearts to get her in my arms. Throughout my entire childhood and adolescence I was a mental mess. I was terrified of everything – everything except getting hurt. I was able to shoulder pain with barely a blink, and I was able to let it roll down my back. That was my duty. That’s how I was raised. My house was a house built on low self-esteem. It’s hard to let all of that go.

Things changed – as they always do – when I began to settle down in that world of confidence and self-reliance. I couldn’t find a comfortable spot. The smallest thing will send me on a downward spiral back into my childhood, because none of that was real. It was acquired. It was a prized possession I was terrified of losing.

Is that pitiful? Yes. But will I admit it? Absolutely. Having faith in yourself is what gets you through the hardest times. People having faith in you will get you there faster. I’m used to having neither of that, and I have a hard time believing that it exists when it’s there. I’ve apologized for being so oblivious, and I’m promising to try and never do that again. However, when I recognize hurtles I cannot get over, and when I recognize hurtles I am not ready for, I will run around the track a few more times before I come back to it. Nobody can push me into doing something before I’m ready, and right now I’m working on building the strength to push myself.

I'm having a great Monday. The weather is the coldest and meanest it's been this season, but I've got those rose-tinted glasses on. I know it's too early for me to tell, but I've been doing really good so far. I've been taking control over my will power. I've been reasoning my way through some big decisions. I've been making them based on practicality and future rather than imnmediate benefit. I'm getting there, bitches, and I'm so happy that I'm fighting this fight.

Well. See you in the rearview.

The Limit

Ok. Let me clarify.

Every relationship -- friendship, lovership, etc -- has a limit, right? It's about what you can and cannot accept in the end, right? That's all it was.

It's been said to me, and I understood it then, too. It's about what I can take. I understand that not all friendships can be at the level I expect them to. But, I also understand my own capabilities. I cannot be any less of a friend than I am. Sure, I can reciprocate to a certain extent, I can filter out some of that "good friend"ness -- but I can't just be an asshole. I don't know how to be an asshole to someone that didn't do anything wrong to me, other than be an asshole. I can only dismiss them.

Vengeance is really not in my nature. I'm not trying to be mean or spiteful. I just cannot accept the level of friendship I'd have to bring myself down to. Right now, I can only surround myself with people who are gonna bring me up. Whether it's your fault or mine, the fact is that this -ship isn't gonna work. Is that wrong?

Hell. I have endless patience for people who genuinely want to change and work for it. But if that's not an option.. what else can I do, hun? No disrespect. Really.

Oh, so THAT'S why!!

A woman I've come to truly respect suggested going on a period of celibacy, saying that it really helps put things into perspective.

Hm. It's unintentionally been about a month without sex. I'm doing good. I don't think I've ever gone this long without having a phone number handy for such occasions. But I'm doing okay. I've turned down sex from people I had history with, and I have no problems with turning down sex from people I barely know. I revisited a few of my friendships, and with (good) sex out of the picture (because it's only the good sex that impedes our judgement, LOL) I've come to see them for what they really are.

Moral of the story: Sex allows you to make excuses for unjustifiable behavior.

This is what the battered and the wise have been warning us "free spirited" young'ns about for the longest, huh? LOL

Well, the best lessons learned are the ones you learn on your own. I'm so stubborn that it takes me a lot longer to get to where you are now.

Grin. Thank you for your guidance.

Love,
The Dynasty

Taking a Few Eggs Out of The Basket

You are just not worth the effort.

When we agreed to be friends, I put a lot in. I did my part, as promised. Maybe the difference between me and you is, I genuinely wanted to enter this friendship, without any selfish reason or intention. I like to surround myself with good people, and because of our history, I knew that you were good people.

Well, I can't anymore. I'm done with you. I do require a certain level of reciprocation, and you're not anywhere near that level.

Granted, I don't have to dead the whole situation. If I asked for advice, I'd get suggesions of Demotion; maybe I'd be told to mirror a few of your unfavorable actions, to teach you "that lesson."

But naw, the way you treat me is the way I treat a Person I Don't Like. I'm not wasting my time with PIDL behavior, I might as well just cut you out if it's at that level already. I don't have the capacity to have that kind of negativity on my conscious.

Is that really how you treat your friends? Maybe that's normal, and maybe I treat mine with too high of a regard -- but hell, that's what I require. I need support, I need consideration. A thank you when I send you something that reminds me of you. I didn't have to do that, but I did. At least an effort to lisen when I'm breaking down in front of you. Some enthusiasm when it's my turn to talk. Maybe you could stop cancelling plans for aint-shit people. I'm tired of the way you put your "best friends" on the back burner. Stop fucking burning your bridges.

This goes out to more than one. I tolerated this from you guys because I knew you were a good person. But, I realized that you're not a good person to ME. So enough of this, really. I'm being treated like a demotion, when I'm sincerely going out of my way to be a true friend. I have better people to pour my love onto. You don't deserve it, and you should know better.

Now, this doesn't make you any less of an intelligent, witty, attractive individual. It doesn't make you any less kind hearted, or well intended, or worthy of the world. It won't make you a bad boyfriend. It just makes you a horrible, horrible friend.

If you read this and see yourself, take it as you want it. I'm past warnings, this is not one of them. I'm not posting this for response or reaction. I've been relatively straightforward with how I felt about your actions -- and with how they made me feel -- on more than one occasion. I even approached you acknowledging that it could have been my own misunderstanding, and I asked for clarification. Did I really have to bother twice? You should know who I am by now, there aren't any more guessing games. This was a second chance for you, and a generous one, considering.

If this termination was what you wanted, you picked a coward's way out. That's like coming in to work every day and fucking up on a regular so that your company could fire you, rather than gathering the balls to quit. If it's NOT what you wanted -- then homie, you need to figure yourself out. It's hard for me to believe that your actions weren't played on purpose, because you -- especially you -- know exactly what you're doing when you're doing it. From you, that was a message. But here is my benefit of the doubt, okay? I don't know what high horse you're riding on, and I hope somebody knocks you off that shit soon.

I started out hurt and a little stunned at the way you were treating me. I couldn't understand why. You were condescending, and you were rude... SO rude. Baby, I don't deserve that. I didn't do anything to you. How can you promise friendship, without holding up your part?

I tolerated it from you the way I would have tolerated it coming from a good friend. But.. you're not. You never were.

You tell me you need a friend. You tell me I'm the only one you got. Well, it's a shame you didn't act like it. Maybe you should put more effort into those who are actually close to you, that actually care about your well being, that actually took the time out to let you in. Don't you realize how similar we are? Don't you realize how much of a struggle it was to allow you back into my life?

It's the little things you do that show me you DON'T care. It's time I stopped ignoring those little things.

*Takes eggs out of basket*
I'm not making this same mistake again.

I'd be happier without you both. Funny how a little bit of self-confidence can help you make the right decisions, huh? LOL.. really puts things into perspective, answers why I was holding on to you. Hope is an extension of insecurity. I forgot that it's different from faith.

For the record, I never lost an ounce of faith in you. You still have the potential to be an amazing person.

Love,
The Dynasty

The Flutter *grin*

I had the best Friday I've had in years.

I took a few first steps in a lot of things, and I'm using this weekend to recuperate and come down from such an unfamiliar -- yet extremely comfortable -- high. I am so content, and so happy, and just... :)

I'm also nervous. I'm a bit afraid of how much I want this.

But you know what? I'll rest easy. No need to give myself mental hemroids by straining to much. Breathe, and let it fall. Ha.

Silver Lining

Hello,

A positive post today.

I look and feel absolutely stunning! *Preens*

Happy Holidays,
The Dynasty

Take It Slow

Maybe 8 steps back.

What I must master first: Preparation.

The mental reflects the physical reflects the mental. I have to master the physical first, because I know that my surroundings greatly effect my internal state.

I must get into the habit of preparing for tomorrow the night before. Yeah, nobody taught me this. Packing my bags with the necessary items -- bills that must be paid, phone numbers that must be called, etc.

I must get into the habit of cleaning up after myself in smaller circles rather than letting it build up into a huge mess (this is true as a metaphor for many things in my life and heart, as well). Walking back to the kitchen to place a spoon in the sink. Folding a shirt on the floor over a chair. Tossing out napkins after I'm done with them. If you had any idea of how much of a slob I was...

I already have the habit of writing down my necessary To Do's -- be it on my wrist, or a scrap of receipt, or a napkin (my memory has never been that great) -- but I have to get into the habit of looking at it twice. What's the point of having a schedule book if you're never going to open it?

I must get into the habit of actually following through.

I did good for one day. This is my second, and I've already faltered.

*Cracks neck*.. time to get back on the horse. I can do this.

Step 2: Falling out of procrastination. Oh boy.

*Rubs Oil All Over My Body"

ELLE: You also once described your dad and uncle as "pimps" who taught you how to communicate with women. What did they tell you?

TERRENCE HOWARD: They were just pimps in the figurative sense, in that they were both very worldly with women. They taught me that in every relationship, the person least interested in maintaining it is going to dominate it, because they'll never compromise. So you have to always maintain that position of least interest, and you'll always control the relationship.

Deep Fried Frenz

What are friends for, if not to use?

Do we not fill each other's voids?

Do we not come to each other to calm our own insecurities?

Do we not ask for advice when we can't come to our own conclusions?

Do we not need each other most after breakups, deaths, fallouts?

What really defines a friendship? A healthy one? An unhealthy one? Does the amount of love between two people change the foundation of the friendship? Or does it just allow you to make excuses for the other?

Can you end a friendship over a disagreement of their actions outside of your world, regardless of how good of a friend they are? Or should you endure something you disagree with, because that does not affect how good that person is to you? For example: Relationship choices, drugs, career?

In that same breath, if you endure something that is against your morals in order to save a friendship.. is that a reflection of a good heart? or a needy one?

Are you friends with them because THEY need you? Or because YOU need them? Which is worse?

What is a good friend to you?

Taken from This Is Not A Blog

"And that's how I started talking about people and how they can't be trusted, and how I've always had so much on my mind concerning the nature of human beings. I trust blindly, because that is my way of trusting completely. I love blindly, because it's the easiest way to fall in and out of love and know that I'm giving all I have to give.

And yet, despite all of my blind actions, I know instinctively that there is a nugget of my self hidden deep within me, and that nothing negative - failure, betrayal, destitution, hunger, etc - can take it away from me. It is this nugget of self that I keep hidden and do not share, and if by some stroke of fate I found happiness in a particular situation and vowed that I would stay in that situation for as long as I live - with a lover, with a spouse, with friends, with my station in life, with my career, etc. - I would give away that nugget of self. My identity would be in whatever I vowed to encompass, and if that thing ever went away, I wouldn't know who I am."

This might be the root of my "fear of committment." All of my stretched out ramblings compressed into a linear 2 paragraphs. Wow. My mind has been boggled.

Regression, Relationships, and Masturbation

I've disabled comments again. It makes me feel better about myself. Ha!

I came to a few hard conclusions while staring out the train window this morning. I couldn't figure out if it was because I hadn't really slept in the past few weeks, or if it's because I generally get moody when there is no sun... but at that moment, I recognized the heavy blanket of Blah I've been enveloped in lately as misery.

Cry me a river, right? I know. But it's a big deal for me, because I've been struggling to remain optimistic for a really, really long time. I suddenly ran out of energy.

Son, I was miserable. Not for any particular reason, I was just scowling at the scenery like it did something trife to me. Then the domino tipped, and everything fell into place... This is the same Misery that I have been pushing away for years. This is the reason why I've been desperately searching for distractions, and stumbling into bouts of depression or anxiety when I am without them. Weed, men, friends, internet, tv, reading, music. It's time to face the storm bare-assed -- Admit it, bitch, you are unhappy. You've BEEN unhappy. And nobody can change that but yourself.

1) I have been scrambling to be an independent woman since I was 14. Since I first realized that I had absolutely no support behind me, since I first realized that my family was barely able to hold themselves together (much less me), and since I first realized that good friends are as temporary as good weather... I became determined to do it all on my own. I started climbing. This is what took me 7 years to figure out: you cannot be truly independent if you've never, ever learned to stop needing others for support. It sounds so simple ("Yeah Dynasty, I could have told you that") but hey, fuck you. I've fared well when it came to physical independence, but I've always relied on emotional support. I mean, I started so young. At 14, you NEED the people around you. That's why friends have always held the highest status in my life -- they ARE my family. I need them to constantly support me in order to be confident, safe, and secure. I never graduated from that state of mind, because I skipped the entire process altogether. Little did I know.

All the people I've gotten along with in my past were large groups of male friends and small groups of women that were similarly "rejected" by their female peers for reasons that varied, but fell into the same bin. They rejected us because they perceived us to be sluts, or reckless, or plain ol' bitch. We embraced all those labels because if we didn't, we would hurt all the time. More importantly, we knew each other better than they'd ever know us -- the incredible intelligence that spewed from our mouths, the hearts of gold that shone hardest when melted, and the undying loyalty we shared with those we formed bonds with.

In retrospect, we shared the negatives with each other as well. We had the same insecurities. We had the same impatience. We kept ourselves trapped in this alternate universe where colors, genders, and roles flipped to its opposite, its compliment. We took on the "male" role in a lot of relationships. And we were all secretly very unhappy.

This was the one thing all of us had in common -- no matter what era, what clique, what age group these denied women were in -- we were completely, utterly, and painfully unable to trust. We formed bonds with each other to support each other, because we needed a family. We were women who were dying to love, women whose nature it WAS to love... but the only people we felt comfortable giving that love to were each other. We had no concept of soul mate, because OUR soul mates came in packages of curves, heels and attitude.

The fellas. The fellas embraced me like one of their own. It was wonderful, to be able to show the asshole in me that's always itched to come out, and be somehow respected for it. I befriended my first group of male friends at 12 going on 13, when I was going through some hard shit in my life. They took me under their wing and it was almost like I had a band of overprotective brothers. It felt wonderful, and safe, and it was.. family (if you ignored the fact that they would occasionally try to sleep with me LOL). They shaped my first steps into identity. Why wouldn't I believe that straightforwardness and overt sexuality will get me into their hearts? I was perceptive at 13, but I didn't have enough intelligence to apply that into logic. I was just hungry, and this family fed me.

Well, now I'm legally an adult. I went through most of my adolescence believing that I was mature beyond my years, but today I realized that I was wrong. I was simply very perceptive.

Those friends, I should add, were also older than me. As far as I could remember, since I entered high school, I've always been the youngest in every group of friends I became close with. I watched them go through the phases everyone SHOULD go through, and I observed the results rather than experience them. Thus, I came to build my defenses early. I stood by the docks, and never learned what swimming felt like. I only saw what it was to drown.

Since I moved back into my parents house, the mantra I've been repeating to myself during the hardest of its times is, "You are taking two steps back to move four steps forward." So why not do that with it all?

I was trying so hard to be a grown woman that I never had a chance to be.. a girl. I didn't complete phase 2, and I jumped straight into phase 4. If there's anything about myself I've learned this year, it's that I am not one of those people that can do that. I can't enroll into a Spanish 6 class and "figure out" the content of Spanish 1 through 5. I cannot become a runner unless I master jogging first. I HAVE to start from step 1, I have to thoroughly understand and complete step 1, before I can proceed to step 2. Otherwise I will be unprepared. Otherwise I will fail. I've been fighting my own limitations.

I need to complete phase 2. I need to explore the little girl in me again. There are things about being a woman I've mastered -- the art of fellatio is sadly my finest example -- but dating? Cooking? Socializing? Ettiquette? Fashion? Humility? Shit, I've just avoided it until now because I claimed it "wasn't my thing." But I'm manning up goddamn it -- I've been too pussy to explore those fields. I just insisted I didn't need them because I thought I was comfortable with who I was.

Lies.

2) Dating. The topic of dating and its importance has been floating around everywhere lately. So of course, being the person that I am, I grabbed onto that thought and wrapped my life around it, to see how it fits. Well, it didn't.

I've never really dated before. From the moment I lost my virginity, my experiences with men have either been FWB (friends with benefits) or "relationships." There was barely room for courting. There was no dating. Even in my relationships, the longest which was 5 years, we skipped right past the nervous fluttering stage of "getting to know each other gently" and launched into interviews, revealing stories, exposing our worsts. We always saw each other in our comfortable clothes. We woke up to each other as much as we could. We didn't go out. We "settled down."

Honestly, I think I kept it that way. If I really wanted something different, all i would have had to do was ask, and every one of those men would have done it for me. They would have taken me out. Invited me out. If I gave more, I would have gotten back more. But I guess I was "comfortable," or rather, I thought I was. I guess that was my definition of "relationship." I guess that's why I was never happy in one.

None of my boyfriends and I "dated." We be'd. We would get so comfortable, and it would stay that way and stale. We'd watch tv, we'd smoke, we'd fuck. We'd spend all our time at the other person's house. We'd catch a movie, but only because we both want to see it. We'd go out to eat, but that would be because we're tired of sandwhiches or takeout. We'd fall into that "being alone together" category -- you know, the one where both of you are in the same room swimming in "Not Awkward" silence ('peaceful' isn't what I'd call it) at all times -- within the first month. It seems that my relationships were more about securing another beam to my support system, and not about finding someone that truly made me happy. Not about making my partner happy.

Well, I'm done with that.

I was thinking about my past -ships. There is a guy that's been my FWB for the past couple of years now, we've seen each other on and off. We'll call him Tribe. Tribe and I had these really great moments... there were times where we'd talk for hours, just lying on our backs; our heads would be pressed together while our feet stuck out in opposite directions. We'd absently play with each others fingers and just tell mad stories, spin off of each other's jokes. We had the same fashion sense, humor, sarcasm. We followed each other throughout history without even knowing it. Apparently, we went to the same junior high school, had the same art teacher. We went to the same high school, but I didn't really know him then either. I caught a glimpse of him my junior year, and crushed hard for about 3 minutes. I never really saw him again. When our worlds finally collided, I got nervous. We slipped into an FWB scenario after establishing a friendship, and soon we were just lovers, nothing else. When I tried to spend some time with him outside of the bedroom, plans kept changing so I decided not to push it further. We stopped messing around for a large span of time, but then we bumped into each other at a train station neither of us frequented often. Turns out, he worked across the street from me. Things picked up again where they left off.

Now, I didn't pursue a relationship with Tribe because I was with someone else at the time, closing the second half of my 5-year. He didn't try to pursue one with me either, so I figured it was a mutual understanding and left it where it was. I had no problems having feelings for someone and not letting them know how deep it ran. Perhaps it was because I had a fear of testing the beams, lest the whole structure fall -- maintenance has never been my strongest facet. Either way, I was single for a year before I entered into another relationship, and between that time we were still pretty distant with each other. We talked, and luckily our schedules were constantly conflicting. Out of respect to my boyfriend I chose to phase him out. On top of that.. there was something missing. I didn't know what it was, but I knew that what I loved about Tribe would still not be enough to make me completely happy.

Fast forward some time later and it turned out that Tribe HAD wanted to be in a relationship with me from the start, but by then it was too late. He thought that it was not what I wanted, and he didn't want to ruin what we had by asking for more. By the time he confessed that to me, I was already happy in the relationship I was in, and I told him that it wouldn't be right to leave it. It broke my heart that we were both wading in the same ocean, wishing that the other would come rescue us all along.

Before the recent relationship, I had something wonderful with a person who is now a really good friend of mine (we'll call him Pretty... although he looks nothing like New York's Pretty, he IS damn beautiful). It was another scenario where the friendship developed into a lovership, and I liked him a lot. This was different from what Tribe offered me; this was a real friendship, combined with the giddiness that most only feel during the courting process. His texts made me smile, no matter what the content. I was always laughing during our conversations. I genuinely craved to spend time with him, I yearned to support him, I found him so pretty and witty and bright. We had a falling out that turned out to be a huge misunderstanding, but by the time we came to that conclusion, we had already slain each other to pieces. I would have loved to be in a relationship with him, but we both knew that it wouldn't be right. I swallowed the heartache and moved on.

But guess what he told me, yall? He said that I was everything a girlfriend should be, and that I was good to him. He told me that he wanted to be in a relationship with me but he thought that it wasn't what I wanted. He didn't want to ruin what we had by asking for more. Does that shit sound familiar to you??? Ha! Double whammy! Lather, rinse, repeat. Wading in ocean, searching for rescue, if only we had opened our mouths.

I have a LOT of learning to do when it comes to relationships. I know that if either Tribe or Pretty approached me today asking me to be their girlfriend, we would fall into that same pattern I've been reeling around in since adolescence. I realized that as much as I liked Tribe (I once believed I could have been in love with him, but I guess even then I recognized that it was simply borderline infatuation), I realized that I don't KNOW him. At all. I knew him on the terms that FWBs know each other. I don't know him as a close friend, I don't know him as a boyfriend, hell I barely know him as a lover. I don't know how good he can be to me, I don't know how bad. I don't know if he reads books. I don't know about his family. If he wants to pursue this with me, even with our history, I will have to ask him to court me. Take me out. Prove to me that it will be worth it. I can't have trust issues and then dive into anything without demanding that they show me I can trust them; that's exactly what I did with my last relationship, and the ones before that.

Two steps back, people.

As far as Pretty goes... him and I are going to remain friends. I will probably always be a little wistful at what could have been, but that's old bones now. I'd love to develop my friendship with him to its highest potential. I also realized that while I genuinely enjoy his person as a whole, he hasn't really done anything to prove that he will be good to me. He's a good friend, and he's a GREAT person. He has a beautiful heart. But I don't know how good of a boyfriend he will be. If he ever changes his mind, of course I will give it a try. But we'd have to.. we'd have to court. We'd have to date. I'll never know until I'm there, because no matter how close we are as friends, it's always different when you add the prefix to it.

This is a huge shift in standards for me.

There should be higher expectations when it comes to relationships.

I will remember that.

3) Spinning off of long ass #2, I will try to exercise will power when it comes to sex as well. Horniness is a human condition. Get used to it. Don't rape someone you could possibly have a good future with just because it's been three weeks since the last time you got laid (true story! LOL!). Sex does ruin everything -- wait, let me rephrase that.

Sex doesn't ruin everything. Sex cements everything. I've noticed that the level of personal development you achieve with someone will pretty much STAY there if you introduce sex too early into the relationship. (Yeah, Dynasty, I could have told you that! Well, fuck you too.) Pretty and I could be light years away from now if we had waited. Tribe and I would probably be cozy and content, if we had circled each other as potential mates and not as potential gushy stuffers from the start. My most recent ex and I would probably be on much better terms, if I had not been so impatient with my needs. So.. the Dynasty is gonna relax. The Dynasty is gonna figure out how to masturbate properly, because FWB situations fuck up if they're ever as intense as mine were. LOL

I love loverships. I really really love them because to me, that's the realest. The problem was that neither my partners nor myself communicated enough to give that lovership a chance to grow. I learned that loverships should be regarded like a temp-to-perm position, not as a fixed state of being. What does it say about you, if you go entry level and never climb up? You either never grow, or you become extremely restless and unhappy. Either way it's a lose lose.

Thank you, all, for that experience. I've overanalyzed it the way I do, and now I will move on to the next phase of growth.

Also, I'm one tentative step closer to making my final decision about my major and school. Stay tuned.

You can't spell "progress" without "assrape"

You know what? I've been way too humbled by life to be able to write the way I used to. Give me a minute, I'm learning.

Love,
The Dynasty

Dr Creflo A Dollar gives me two reasons why I should never have (re)started blogging

My brother and I were sipping on some green in our cold ass living room, flipping through the few channels we had (let me tell you now, not having cable at 3AM on a Wednesday night is probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to go through in your life. There's nothing but informercials on, promising you success and money and weight loss; you look at yourself and realize that you ARE now a part of their fat, poor, and unsuccessful target audience. Fuck you, TV). He stops on an evangelist broadcast, and puts down the remote.

"Yo, actually, this guy is pretty good. Like he says some really sick shit sometimes."

I squirmed a bit, but shrugged. It's not that I'm against God in any shape or form, but I mean... God preached kindness and humility. MAN preaches ignorance and hypocricy. Over time I've developed a problem with churches, and religion is just the umbrella it crouches snugly under.

Either way, I stared calmly at the screen while this guy -- his name is Creflo Dollar (hee hee, "Dollar") -- listed the ways to free yourself from hurt. It was in the middle of the program, but I paused because it kind of hit me in the gut, you know? If you replaced the 'religious' words with a simple "good" and "evil," it was like he was giving genuine advice on life. It caught me by surprise because the conversation I had with my friend earlier that night almost reflected what he was preaching; my dude is pretty much against religion as a whole but still lives by a personal code of morality. After speaking with him, I stopped hurting, and felt better (hence, the previous post).

Listening to Dr Dollar (hee hee) did, oddly enough, make me feel incredibly pensive about blogging again. Here's why. He said:

1) Don't ever wear your heart on your sleeve.
He said, wearing your heart on your sleeve allows [evil] to keep hurting you in the same spot over and over and over again. Like Rocky, how he kept hitting that slab of meat repeatedly in the same spot; when he was fighting what's-his-face, what he do. He way he kept jabbing him, over and over. That's how he won. The devil doesn't come up and look for new places to hurt you at, he'll just keep poking at your weakest point. You lay it out for him.

Now, as much as I like to pretend that I'm an emotionless shell of a being, I cannot deny that I do wear everything I feel like a bleeding rag around my wrist. And this blog -- this will be doing nothing but letting it dry and stain all over your good furniture. I stopped my insanely personal ramblings over @ js.net because that is exactly what happened -- people, strangers, knew my weaknesses all too well, and yes, it was used against me at times. So why did I feel such a need to start doing it all over again? Is this a good idea?

He said, if you keep letting [evil] know that it hurts you, it will continue hurting you for the rest of your life. The same thing that hurt you when you were 15 will hurt you when you are 45, it will keep coming back and you will never be able to shake it. What you gotta do is laugh when you are hurt, so that you can fuck with [evil]'s mind right back. It will be forced to look for a new spot to get you at. It's really hard, but once you do it, you find a strength in yourself that never existed before. (This was also interesting, because the aforementioned homie does just that -- laugh when he should be hurt. And he's the most hurt-free person I know.)

Even if I did laugh in person, wouldn't laying out my softest points -- face up -- ruin the purpose of protection? Does that mean I should stop?

2) Let go of your past.
That sounds easy, but whatever. Your past is exactly that, your PAST. Keep revisiting it, keep doing shit to "prevent" it, keep HOLDING ON to it and it will just REPEAT.

Aside from the obvious reference I can make to my life -- relationships, etc -- am I not also doing that with this blog? Am I not constantly revisiting my past by crystallizing it into such a permanent structure?

Or, am I just telling a story? Is it not a statement of triumph, in a sense? What happened happened, and after you're done telling your story -- it is just that, a story, and nothing more. On top of that, it's an honest reminder to myself that I've moved past whatever struggle I was experiencing.

Principles are lined up, things prioritized
See mamma I left that alone, faded memories, the reason that I'm grown
It'd be senseless for us to lie about our old experiences,
no longer are we tempted
-Nas

I think Jesus just told me to quit blogging again. Grin

I guess I should just learn how to do it differently. I never before minded exposing my deepest and darkest in order for others to be able to relate with clarity. I tell myself that I've resumed blogging for my sanity -- I do need to be able to shuffle my overanalytical mind into something linear -- but in the end, will it really do anything to help me?

Who knows?

Actually... who cares?

Thanks for the advice, I'll take it to heart.

Happy Anniversary, wife! Here's to 3 years of semi-marital bliss. Love you, and sorry I don't cook.

Love,
The Dynasty

I was watching Scrubs last night, and I got to pondering...

Now before you laugh, I have limited tv. So fuck you.
End of disclaimer.

I was watching Scrubs last night. Carla, who is in a relationship with Turk, leans forward to Elliot -- a cute blonde girl with mad issues, one of them being trust -- and says (roughly paraphrasing):

"Honey.. It's all about hiding your crazy, and faking your confidence."

She said this in response to Elliot's conflicting (and charmingly neurotic... I say "charmingly" because I see myself in her LOL) emotions on how to approach this guy that she really likes. She basically said that the best way to snag/keep a guy is to hide your crazy from them. Everyone is crazy on the inside, but nobody needs to see your neuroses.

Is this true? Do you agree?

I mean, isn't that the You that everyone else sees? What would make your significant other special, if they don't get to see the complete, honest you?

There are certain things that only come out to people you totally trust. A person who is thoroughly aware of what her insanities and insecurities are will naturally be afraid to show them. History has proven that once all that mess gets let out of the bag, the other person will leave -- which, unforunately, will do nothing but restart the cycle.

All that "real you" stuff leaks out whether you want it to or not, once the walls start to slide down. So... would we have to prop that wall up with all our strength for the rest of our lives?

Are we to keep that "crazy" part a secret from the people we love forever?
If that's the case... should we even bother loving at all?

Carla gave an example of one of her Crazies that she hides from Turk. Sometimes, she cries when she starts thinking that there is no cat heaven. That to me is a completely different kind of crazy than Elliot, who is a general mess of a human. Carla's wierd ass reason for collapsing into tears does not define her as a person as much as, say, Elliot's issues with intimacy and herself.

If it's something that really shapes the actions in your past, present and future... shouldn't your lover, significant other, etc be made aware of them when the walls come down? So that they could understand, rather than retreat?

Will it always be seen as a change in person, rather than the not-so-simple exposing to the other side of the coin as it is? I mean, the things he liked about you from the start isn't necessarily gone. It's not a lie. It's just different. But it's always seen that way.

At the end of the episode, Elliot stomps up to her crush, kisses him, and pretty much demands that he asks her out. He does. He also makes a complete fool out of himself, proving to be just as much of a klutz as she is. Elliot's fears dissipate. Of course, this is TV. And of course, things will always fall into place. But a viewer really has to wonder, how much truth is really in these episodes? Are people like Elliot and myself destined to only be happy with motherfuckers as neurotic as we are?

Do we really have to be fake to keep the ones we actually want?